Feeling 23

Twenty-three years old. To me it's such an awkward number, and even more so, an awkward age.

In college, all I thought about was what it would be like to finally be out in the world doing something worthwhile. The possibilities seemed infinite, and the dream within reach.

The reality of it, however, seems constrained. When I start thinking about finances, medical bills, and my employability in the workforce, I stop for a moment and think, wow, is this what being an adult is about?

23 is a weird time for me. Too young to have really lived, but old enough to feel like you've been through some things. Like trying to figure out what you want to do, what you want to be, and what you want out of life, and realizing that there are no concrete answers to those questions. They change all the time, because we are changing. It's a strange limbo of becoming different versions of ourselves, yet still the same at the core.

Of course there are many things to be happy about. Friends. Family. Living and loving life, because face it, life is pretty good compared to other places.

So why is it that despite all the good things we already have, we still want more? And when will 'more' ever be enough?

ISWG: First-Timer

This is my first post for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, created by Alex J. Cavanagh. We post every Wednesday of the first month about any doubts or concerns we may have without appearing foolish or weak for the purpose of supporting and encouraging one another. Check out the group here. A big thanks to Alex and the co-hosts this month: LG Keltner, Donna Hole, Lisa Buie-Collard, and SL Hennessy.

 

 

A big insecurity for me is being vulnerable with my writing. I've finished a manuscript I'm really proud of, but I'm worried it doesn't have a place in the marketplace. I'm not sure if it's too niche or too played out. All I know is, I really just love it to pieces.

 

I keep coming back to it, even though I should be working on something new. I wonder if I should go back and tweak it, because if I don't, I fear that it means I've given up on it. When do we know when it's best to leave it alone? Will it do more harm than good to revise it again?

 

How do you know when your manuscript is 'finished'?



All Time Low

With the onslaught of rain, and the darkened days, I've felt myself drift away for awhile. In it's place I felt discontent, confusion, and a lonely longing that's hard to put into words.

On the surface, I'm seen as very bubbly, polite, and quiet, but those that know me on a more personal level has seen the other side I'm not proud of: destructive and highly emotional.

I write this, not as a confession, but a remembrance to the person I don't want to be. We all have those right? A shadow, lurking at the edge of our mind that comes out when we aren't looking. No, I'm not saying I have a split personality or something like that, but rather when things get tough it's easy to be taken over by negativity. Your mind then becomes so cloudy with negativity, so unlike you, that you don't want to feel it at all. Which leads to bad decisions.

Too put it plainly, I had too much to drink, said some hurtful things, and behaved dangerously and unladylike on Halloween. I was mortified and sickened with my behavior the next day. To feel so out of control of myself made me feel so ashamed.

Luckily, I had people who cared, took care of me, and tried to reassure me that night's like the one I had inevitably happen, but the only thing you can do is move forward. Those people in my life know who they are, and I am eternally grateful for them.

But it was an all time low for me and not one that I'll likely forget or ever repeat.

So, I write this to anyone who's feeling a little blue: the feeling will pass, but hopefully you don't need to make a mess of yourself like I did to pull yourself out of it. But if you do make a mess, remember, that we're all human. We make mistakes. And all we can do is learn from them.

Book Review: The Here and Now by Ann Brashares

I rated it 3 out of 5 stars.

Overview: An unforgettable epic romantic thriller about a girl from the future who might be able to save the world . . . if she lets go of the one thing she’s found to hold on to.

Follow the rules. Remember what happened. Never fall in love.

This is the story of seventeen-year-old Prenna James, who immigrated to New York when she was twelve. Except Prenna didn’t come from a different country. She came from a different time—a future where a mosquito-borne illness has mutated into a pandemic, killing millions and leaving the world in ruins. 

Prenna and the others who escaped to the present day must follow a strict set of rules: never reveal where they’re from, never interfere with history, and never, ever be intimate with anyone outside their community. Prenna does as she’s told, believing she can help prevent the plague that will one day ravage the earth. 

But everything changes when Prenna falls for Ethan Jarves. 

From Ann Brashares, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series, The Here and Now is thrilling, exhilarating, haunting, and heartbreaking—and a must-read novel of the year.

Review: So the blurb. I was enthralled by it. I was so excited to read it. Anything with high stakes and forbidden love usually has my name written all over it. The first few chapters were great, but then it started to peter out.
First was the lack of romance between the two main characters. It didn't pick up until the second half of the book, but their romance was pretty forgettable. Don't get me wrong, this book is well-written and builds up it just lacked pizazz. The whole plot kind of fell flat.

The antagonizing forces (i.e. the future society that created the social rules) were just not that scary. Instead of heightening tension, they were just annoying flies to me.

This wasn't an edge of your seat book I had expected due to the blurb, but I did finish it (albeit through many days of picking it up and setting it back down). One good thing about the book was the ending. I was afraid it was going to head into the cliche route where everything is sunshine and rainbows and everyone gets to live happily ever after, but it didn't. Which to me is more believable and ended the story at a good point.

RN74

It's restaurant week in Seattle! That means participating restaurants are offering a three course menu for $30! It's a great way to bring in new customers by reeling them in with a good deal and then showcasing what they've got to keep them coming.

For awhile Michael's been wanting to go to RN74, a contemporary french restaurant in downtown, so taking advantage of restuarant week, we decided to go yesterday night.

Right away, we loved the atmosphere. Dark leather chairs, wooden tables, and dropping lights. Bustling and busy with everyone well-dressed, you knew immediately that this was one trendy spot. It also has a master somm, which made Michael and I geek out a bit. Each glass of wine was perfect, like a little taste of heaven. I stuck with a pinot noir from Burgundy the whole night, but Michael paired his meal with a gruner veltliner, chenin blanc, and a syrah blend.

For our first course, Michael did foie grois and I did the pumpkin soup:

I never had foie grois before, so when I took a bite out of this, I really wanted to fall off my chair. It was so rich and savory but balanced well with the powdered donut and fruit compote. It tasted more like a dessert than an appetizer, but I'm definitely not complaining!

My pumpkin soup was probably the best pumpkin soup I ever had. With the rosemary crutons, creme fariche, and seeds, it was well balanced, creamy yet light, and tasted like autumn.

For the main entree, I decided to splurge. And I mean really splurge! Look at that!

The gnocchi parisienne with mushrooms. This was seriously an indulgence and I was only able to finish half because it was so rich.

Michael had the steak frites (not pictured, since it turned out horrible) and it was delicious. The steak was cooked to perfection and the frites were fried in duck fat. Let me repeat, duck fat. And though it's not healthy for my heart, I cannot deny that those fries were amazingly delicious!

And then came dessert. Beignets and sorbet (persimmon and pineapple basil)!

So good! Every last bite! Also please note that Michael and I don't normally eat such indulgenty (not a word, I know) things everyday! We aim to eat healthy too :) This was just not one of those nights!

So our conclusions on RN74?

Wine list? Awesome.
Atmosphere? Trendy.
Contemporary French or Classic French? Classic French cooking all the way. Though this meal was amazing. It was just a bit too heavy and rich for my palate. My favorite French restaurant so far continues to be Brasserie Four. Check out my experience there here.
Will Michael and I return to RN74? Probably for drinks and small plates. Happy hour would be great if we both worked downtown. But for a full course meal? Probably not. Seattle has so many choices. However, I think it would be in our top 5 for fine dining experiences.

Book Review: The Moon and More by Sarah Dessen

I rated it 3 out of 5 stars.

Overview: Luke is the perfect boyfriend: handsome, kind, fun. He and Emaline have been together all through high school in Colby, the beach town where they both grew up. But now, in the summer before college, Emaline wonders if perfect is good enough.

Enter Theo, a super-ambitious outsider, a New Yorker assisting on a documentary film about a reclusive local artist. Theo's sophisticated, exciting, and, best of all, he thinks Emaline is much too smart for Colby.

Emaline's mostly-absentee father, too, thinks Emaline should have a bigger life, and he's convinced that an Ivy League education is the only route to realizing her potential. Emaline is attracted to the bright future that Theo and her father promise. But she also clings to the deep roots of her loving mother, stepfather, and sisters. Can she ignore the pull of the happily familiar world of Colby?

Emaline wants the moon and more, but how can she balance where she comes from with where she's going?

Sarah Dessen's devoted fans will welcome this story of romance, yearning, and, finally, empowerment. It could only happen in the summer.

Review: In high school, my best friend at the time introduced me to Sarah Dessen. She lended me her books, but I soon caught fever of Dessen's stories and started buying my own copies. My favorites of hers are still Just Listen and  The Truth About Forever. Sarah Dessen is queen when it comes to writing contemporaries from the female perspective. Even though my then best friend and I lost touch, I still continue reading Dessen's books in my adult years. It reminds me a bit of my adolescence and also inspires me to write a contemporary.

So when The Moon and More came out and I heard about the less than stellar reviews, I kind of avoided reading it until I forgot about it completely. Then I heard about her latest sale that was announced about a month ago. Knowing there was another book coming out, I got my hands on this one so I could be up to date.

Although I enjoyed the story and the message of empowerment, I had to agree with the other reviewers by giving this a three. It just seemed too... predictable. And predictability is always an issue with me. The other thing was the characters. There wasn't really enough stake to make me care about the protagonist nor the other characters (besides the MC's little brother). And third, the writing was just too verbose that I found myself skipping over a lot of paragraphs (something I hardly do as I like to eat up every single word in a story, lest I miss something!).

Nevertheless, I continue to be a fan of Sarah Dessen. A great story, but just a three for me on this one. I'm still excited for the next Dessen book though, so don't let this review dissuade you from reading her other books!

"My Cares of Vain Worth"

I used to determine my worth by pounds
and only on an inverse scale.
I counted this and that and ran and ran
but only to hopelessly fail.
I should have been smarter
and dismissed outward beauty,
but all I could think was
how do they really see me?

It is vain, I know, to care
of others' thoughts--
physically nothing
in the mind they get lost.
But once they are spoken
behind open and closed doors
they unearth pain
never know, nor felt before.

If only we were nicer,
I wouldn't have to care
about my nails, clothes,
and most of all, my hair.
So we  put on different looks
hoping to find one that works,
that takes away our doubts
and the thoughts of others that lurk
behind their plastered smiles
and their forced pleasantries
if only I could wipe it off
and be comfortable in me.