Last week I celebrated my 30th birthday, but since we are living during covid times the milestone was a bit more muted than it would have been if times were normal (To clarify, I am not in any way complaining. My birthday was great, filled with love, well wishes, books, delicious sushi, and bubbles!). That being said, I still wanted to celebrate my 30th birthday in a special way, and the only way I knew how to honor this milestone was through writing. So as the day passed by, I jotted down a list of 30 life lessons in my journal, reflecting on the girl I was in my twenties, recognizing her flaws, growth, and how she ended up here at the cusp of a new decade. Over dinner, I read the list to my husband who suggested I share the list with others. So since I haven't blogged in forever, I may as well break the streak with this post.
(in no particular order)
1. Perfection is a pipe dream. Acceptance is not.
I can't tell you how many times I have chased the idea of perfection. The perfect body. The perfect day. The perfect story. The perfect life. The perfect partner. The list goes on and on, and do you want to know what all the chasing led to? Nothing! Except exhaustion. By the end of it, I was miserable and constantly disappointed by my impractical expectations. Once I started accepting things for what they are, however, did I finally feel free from the chase. Now, I accept my body. I accept the days--even if they aren't good (because they can't all be). I accept the stories I write as a work in progress (because that's how they get better). I accept my life because it is m i n e to live. And I accept my partner because I love them, so why would I try and change them into an idea instead of respecting them as an individual person?
2. The finish line is death.
Finish school. Finish the task. Finish the job. It seems like we are always rushing to finish in order to get to the next possible thing. Instead of enjoying the journey or the process, we rush through it, eyes on an imagined future instead of taking in the present and the gift that it is. But if we keep rushing and finishing instead of enjoying it as we go, we will find ourselves at the true finish line: death. As bleak as it sounds, that’s where we are all headed. Death is finishing. So let’s take a deep breath and stop rushing to meet our end.
I have memories of myself frantically finishing manuscripts. Sending query letters before getting feedback on my letter. I blew many chances being in a hurry instead of taking the time to make my work at its best. Looking back, I wish I could have slowed down. I wish I focused on writing the best possible story instead of thinking about who would like it.
3. There is no deadline to success.
I used to think that in order to be successful I had to obtain success at a young age. If I didn’t, I was irrelevant, my talent expired. This idea embedded its way into my mind because social media always hypes up young people in their twenties selling tech companies or landing huge book deals making them seem like the norm when they are really the outliers. But if I examine the people I aspire to be like, I find that I admire their work, not what age they found success. So if you need to hear it, like I often do: There is no deadline to success.
4. Goals are a compass.
It’s good to have life goals. It means we are living with intention. Sometimes we might not make a goal (yet), but it doesn’t mean we aren’t steering our ship in the right direction.
Twenty-year-old me thought I would land a book deal by 30. I didn’t, but following this goal/dream led to a lot of learning and bettering myself. It led me to make choices that allowed me to level up in my craft. So no, there’s no book deal (yet), but I learned a lot about the business side of publishing, I made great writing friends/critique partners, and I put my work out there. Most of all, I never allowed myself to give up. Right now I can’t see beyond the horizon, but that doesn’t mean I won’t make land soon.
5. Detours are a requirement to reach the destination.
In continuation of point 4, sometimes in life you take a detour. Maybe life blows too much wind in your sails. Maybe you fell asleep at the helm. Whatever it may be, good or bad, sometimes detours become necessary to reach the destination. Sometimes the detours in life force you to grow or gain new skills to get you on the right course. I didn’t think I would be married with kids at 30, but here I am taking a break from writing! But this detour makes the journey even more worthwhile. My boys have taught me so much about life. About character. They give what I’m pursuing much more meaning.
6. Wealth is nothing but health.
Self-explanatory. Don’t work yourselves to the bone, okay? It’s just not worth it.
7. Beauty is made of the heart, mind, and soul. Not how much you weigh or how you look.
We live in a weight and instagram-image obsessed world. So much emphasis on outward appearance instead of what matters on the inside. I ask you to notice your thoughts. How many times are you speaking negatively to yourself? Now think of how much time and brain space those kinds of thoughts take a toll on you. The people around you really don’t care about your weight (unless it poses a health risk) or if you put on makeup today. So you shouldn’t either. Beautiful people to me are those who are authentic. And authenticity comes from being true to your heart, honest with your mind, and being connected to your soul. Authentic people know themselves and their worth. Do you?
8. People won't like you, and you won't like some people, but you should like yourself.
After all, you spend the most time with yourself. So do yourself a favor, and stop being hard on yourself (see point 7). Change the thought patterns and build yourself UP instead of tearing yourself DOWN. The critics in your life will do that for you, so reinforce your ‘confidence’ walls.
9. Self-awareness is your ticket out of the comparison game.
When you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, ask yourself why you have the thought in the first place. Is it truly something you believe? Or have you inherited society or social media's point of view instead of carving your own?
10. Go deep. Only then will you know when to take that leap of faith.
You all know that feeling. You’re at a crossroads in life and need to make a decision. A big decision with ripple effects. Do you take the risk? How do you know when to take that leap of faith? My answer: dig deep. Really know yourself and know what you want out of life. If the decision can get you closer, take the leap. You won’t regret taking a shot at what you want, but the hard part isn’t making the decision. It’s figuring out what you want.
11. The best kind of person you can be is a k i n d person.
Honestly, nice people make my day. A barista asking me about my day. Someone giving me great customer service. Someone acknowledging my frustration. If everyone was nice to each other, the world would be more pleasant. As a mom, I’m trying to raise my kids to be kind. They can grow up to be whoever they want to be as long as they are kind in the process.
12. Maturity is owning your mistakes and learning from them.
If you don’t, you’ll make the same mistakes over and over and get stuck in a feedback loop. You can’t expect life to change if you don’t change. So mature and grow.
13. Apologies curb the ego.
If you owe someone an apology, give it. Saying sorry is not a sign of weakness, but strength. People who avoid saying sorry to save face or feed their ego only hurt themselves. Feed your ego too much and it’ll take over your personality. Do you want to be egotistical? Or do you want to be you?
14. The best friendships are timeless. You pick up where you left off.
I’ve had a lot of friends come and go, but the ones I really treasure are the low maintenance ones. Always there for one another. Always a good time. Those are the true friendship goals. Months can go by since we’ve heard from each other, but there’s never any resentment because if I need them, I’ll call. And if they need me, they’ll reach out.
15. The most impactful teachers in your life are your children.
Becoming a parent has taught me so much about myself, but also about life. How to be patient. How to be loving. How to not sweat the small stuff. How to be present. How to edit life down to the essentials. They have forced me to define what truly matters in life.
16. The traumas in your life do not define you as a person, but they do show you what you're made of.
I once had an agent tell me she thought she could sell a book of mine if I wrote about my hard times as an adolescent. After my first book on sub didn't sell, I went into the writing cave and tried to heed her advice because I was desperate to sell something. The process, however, was painful. Every word written was like reliving the bad moments in my life, but I kept going convinced if someone read it, they would be comforted and less alone if they knew my 'story'. But the cost of someone else's comfort at the expense of mine no longer seemed like a fair exchange (even if it landed me a deal which was no guarantee). And then, there was the thought of me being defined by this story, and I realized I didn't want that. I did not want the traumas of my life to define me. I didn't want to be a 'story'. I wanted people to see me beyond what I've been through. See me for my actions and for my art.
In the end, I put the story aside. The bad times showed me what I was made of, but I didn't need to make a 'show' out of them.
17. It's okay to experience negative emotions. Not okay to put them on someone else.
The older I get, the more I realize people have a hard time dealing with negative emotions. They either take it out on vices, repress it, or lash out on those closest to them. I've learned the best way to deal with negative emotions is to simply let it ride. Ride the wave. It'll end. In the meantime, please don't drown others in it.
18. Perspective is the lens of which life is lived.
If you think life sucks, then it does. If you paint yourself a victim, you become one. If you think life will get better. It will. If you see life as a gift, it can be. What's possible is determined by your perspective. Pay attention to your thoughts.
19. Purpose + Growth = A Meaningful Life
We all want to matter. We all want to leave a mark on the world. Finding your purpose, pursuing it, and continuing to grow gives meaning to life. If you don't know what your purpose is, experiment and search for it. That is part of the process. You can have one, or you can have many. Just find it (them) and do something about it (them).
I use to put all my self-worth in writing. I wanted success. I wanted to matter. I wanted to live up to people’s expectations but also my own. It took me awhile to see that publishing (my idea of success) is completely out of my hands. The act of writing isn’t. So when I write, I try my best at it (even if it never sees the light of day) because that is true success. Getting up day in and day out doing what you love and expecting nothing in return. That’s true love. And love (whether through art or for the people in my life) gives me purpose and adds meaning to my life every day.
20. Spiritual World > Material World
The more emphasis you put on physical things, the more weight you place on your mind.
After having kids, I got into minimalism. I was suddenly overwhelmed with so much stuff. Baby stuff. My stuff. Home stuff. So much to organize. So much to take care of, and yet my house was cluttered and so was my mind. I couldn't work creatively. Instead of spending time with my kids or writing, I was constantly taking care of the stuff (putting it away, organizing, cleaning, shoving things into closets and drawers so I wouldn't have to deal with it). Do yourself a favor and get rid of things you don't like (responsibly, of course!). If the world ever ends, the last thing you’ll be thinking about is your stuff!
21. Harmony.
As in keep the harmony within the family. I have to credit my husband with this life lesson. He observed in many asian families everyone seemed to put the idea of 'family' above the individual 'self' and so when members came together it was a joyous and harmonious occasion. Observing my family, I've realized he's right. Sure, members of my family fight, but we always resolve it before it's time to come together. We make decisions based on the greater good of the family. The idea of harmony is one I carry with me when I think of our own expanding family and friendships. The more harmony there is, the more cooperative people become, and when I think of the divisive world we live in, the more I believe harmony is necessary in solving huge problems (like climate change!).
22. Eyes on your own paper.
Remember during grade school how teachers would tell you to keep your eyes on your own paper during test time? Well, this applies in real life. Stop focusing on how other people are doing. It'll only fill you with doubt. Focus on yourself and what you are doing instead.
For a while, I found myself concerned about the latest book deals, who in the writing community landed an agent, who was getting the best marketing. Suffice it to say I got zero work done. All I gained was more self- doubt. Instead of writing, I was questioning my abilities. It was such a huge waste of time. I should have been focusing on how I could be better, not how I should be better than someone else.
23. Life is work.
My mom once told me life is work. At the time, I thought, How depressing, but as I've grown older I finally see the wisdom in her words. Everything is work. Relationships. Marriage. Parenting. Career. Sometimes the work comes easy, sometimes it's hard, but everything is work. Sometimes we need a vacation or rest to recharge, but life is work so maybe it's time we stop giving work a bad connotation. Work can be a good thing. It's our stamp on the world. Our legacy. So the question begs to be answered, What is your life's work?
24. Leave the to-do list full.
I'm a to-do list gal. I always try to cross off items on my list and yet the list never empties. Why? Because life keeps going. It's constant. Things come up. There are things to do. So the next time you see your to-do list, don't feel overwhelmed. It just shows you are living life and getting sh*t done, but it’s also okay to leave it full.
25. No one cares about your failures.
All we focus on are our failures. We are afraid people will see us as failures. But the truth is no one cares. The only people cataloguing our failures are us. So if no one cares, maybe we should stop caring, too.
26. Simple pleasures are to be enjoyed every day.
Life is not lived through milestone days but the everyday. Sure we remember our wedding day, the day we turned 21, the day we birthed a child, or made our dreams come true, but these are only a small percentage of our lives. As for the rest, we may not remember them, but we should still try to fill them with joy. To do so, I make sure I enjoy the simple pleasures of life. A latte, some tea, a glass of wine at dinner, a nice walk in the sun, reading a chapter of a book, a deep conversation with a loved one. You may not remember these days distinctly as a birthday, but it can really make the day. It makes a good life. So don't focus on the day. Focus on the days.
27. Punishment is cruel. Forgive yourself and move on.
I thought I was the only one who punished myself, but I find a lot of people do so by being hard on themselves. It took me a long time to stop the habit, to forgive myself, and to move on, but I’m starting to realize it’s really important for mental health. So if you’re like me and you need someone to give you a permission slip to stop punishing yourself, here it is.
28. Moving doesn't move you away from life's problems. That's why it's called baggage.
It's so enticing isn't it? Go to a new place. Start over. Become someone new. Except there is no starting over in life. Face your problems head on and learn from it so that it doesn't follow you everywhere you go like a shadow over your head.
29. Try to put on someone else's shoes.
Only then will you learn empathy and compassion. A way to learn this is actually reading more fiction books written in first person, memoirs, or having deep conversations with people who don't need to put up their guard around you. Ask people their story, but most of all listen if they share it with you.
30. The grass is not greener on the other side, and all that glitters is not gold.
When my book was on sub another writer with a similar story landed a book deal. I had a feeling my manuscript wouldn't sell after that. And it didn't. As the years passed by, I couldn't help but think the other writer had it made. She was living the dream. My dream. But after a while she started writing about her publishing experience. How she couldn't earn back her advance. How she was only seen as a niche writer. That even though she made it, she never felt secure. And whenever I read her words or looked at her instagram posts, all I saw was an unhappy person. The saying, The grass is not greener on the other side, and all that glitters is not gold immediately ran through my mind, but only then did it click. We always imagine reaching our dreams, but not about what comes after. It was a good lesson for me to learn. Now, at 30, I know much more about publishing, the writing craft, and how following your dreams can be like getting your heart broken a million times, but also like falling in love all over again. The beauty is in the attempt.
Well, there you have it. My 30 life lessons by 30 list. My twenties was all about finding myself and learning. Going into my thirties, I know who I am. I know what I want. What I'm willing to tolerate, and what I won't. I am a much happier version of myself, but I still have a long way to grow.
Cheers to turning 30!
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