It's been awhile hasn't it? Fall is in full bloom, pumpkins are everywhere, the week long rain has begun over the greater Seattle area. My day's uniform now consists of waterproof ankle boots and my trusty raincoat. I will most likely wear this outfit for the next two months and then switch the raincoat for my down jacket. Fall I absolutely love, but winter is where I struggle. Nonetheless, I'm trying to embrace the seasons while also wishing for a shorter winter (last year was the worst since I'd moved to Washington--let's not have a repeat of that). Though the days get darker sooner, I have a lot to be thankful for.
This month I've been filling up my time with friends and family. Each weekend has been celebrated with loved ones and holiday festivities. There's always something on the calendar for the weekend which has kept me happy. I'm also reading pretty voraciously which I haven't done in a while, but it keeps my creative well full (so note to self, never stop reading).
I've also brought myself to write again. If you've read my blog this past year, you know I've been up and down with my craft--like a full blown hate-love affair. It's been a painful road with my work. I've felt so low that I had avoided writing anything at all. Plus, every time I tried, I felt paralyzed. I felt foolish. Like I wasn't even worthy of my dreams. My heart begged this question to be answered: why I was doing this? Why do I want to do this?
I had to dig down deep. I thought it over for months and months wavering over possibilities, feeling stagnant, and also a bystander of a world I felt no longer part of. I felt alone. So per usual, I turned to books.
In one of the books I'd been reading, there was a section discussing how your childhood can clue you in to what you really want to do. If you think of the moments of happiness, the turning points that changed you, it can clue you in to how you'd like to spend your life. A child's heart is more in tune to their subconscious because it hasn't had the world and outside voices interfering and telling them who they should be. As a child, you are just you being you.
I recall my turning point in middle school. I was reading Wendalin Van Draanen's Flipped for a Battle of the Books competition. The scene where Julianna has to give up the Sycamore tree and her father comes into her bedroom and gives her a painting of the tree with her in it made me cry. You have to read it to fully get the impact of this painting. It was the first book to get such a strong emotion out of me. And when I'd finished the book, I felt changed though the world around me wasn't.
I'd like to think after that when growing up got really tough, books were the thing that saved me. It became my escape. I went down the rabbit hole and never looked back.
I think about now and why I write. Of course I'd like to make a career out of it. Who wouldn't want their dream job? That really isn't a good enough reason though, is it? Everyone has a dream job. What marks the difference between having a dream and making it a reality? Is it more than just passion? More than love and a sacrifice? Is it a service? Do you do something you're passionate about because you believe it can make some impact or do some good in the world? Or is it only a pursuit of a selfish gain or validation?
I'm going into a too long of a tangent, but I guess when it comes down to it, I see my young adult self struggling, and I wish to put a story in her hands and change her world for the better. Maybe I'll change her views, maybe I'll give her an escape. I just want my stories to be out there in case she needs them. It's a big selfish, but also a service. An in between or a compromise to my above dilemma, I suppose. This is my 'why' though and it's brought me back to writing.
My current WIP is a pretty difficult story to write. I have no idea if it'll pan out. But I'm hopeful, and that's something I haven't felt in a while--so it's time for me to run with it and see where it takes me.
And so with the changing of seasons, I also feel a change in me. So yeah, that's where I've been.
