Messy Life

A friend of mine asked me today if I missed being in a relationship. I answered yes and no. I miss the good things like having someone be there, falling asleep to their heartbeat, and being loved by them; but I don't miss the bad: the fighting, jealousy, and the pressure. Sometimes I feel lonely, and at other times at ease without having to care for another, but at the end of the day I'm indecisive.

Have I felt love in any of my relationships? I've said "I love you" to three different guys, but I think I only meant it once. Yet, that one time I allowed myself to love someone led to my own destruction; and  at times I feel like I never recovered from it. Where do I go from there? The question burns in my mind, but I push it away.

It's the weekend.
4/20 and picnic day.
Just wanna live in the moment.

Hung out with friends I met last summer, smoked. It's been awhile. Go the party. Take a shot. Smile. Meet new people, good conversation. Take another shot. Talk some more. Hug people I haven't seen for awhile. Take another shot. I'm feeling the music. I want to dance, but no one's dancing. I dance anyway. Other people dance too. Shot. Feeling good. Time for BP. Win two games, and too tired to play another one. Drink water, and more water. Good conversation. Dance. Talk and catch up. Walk home around three a.m. Sleep.

Wake up. Dance practice. Off to picnic day. The bus is too crowded. The motion of the bus makes me lose my balance, so I hold on to him.Walk. Take a drink. Walk. Take a drink. Exhibits, dogs, people watching. Michelle is a common name. At least you didn't call me Jessica. Take a rest under the shade. Talk and laugh. Go to the pool and talk. Good conversations about the fallacies of marriage, love, and interesting people. I smile. Ice cream. Say goodbyes. Nap. Go back home.

Get a text message with sad news. Life is fragile. The mental state is fragile. I use to be there at one point, now I'm seeing someone else go down that wrong path, and I don't know what to do.

Now I'm sitting here, when I should go to bed. Dress shopping in SF tomorrow morning for the soon-to-be bride. But I'm awake, thinking how life is so messy. Thinking of people I do and do not know. Thinking how quickly the present becomes the past.

Do I miss being in a relationship? The answer doesn't really matter. Life is messy. If love come my way, so be it, and may it be a wonderful adventure. If it never comes, I'll be fine. Life is messy, but it's filled with the most interesting people. You guys make me smile, new and old friends. You guys make it all okay. Watching the stars together, talking about everything, walking without a direction. It's gonna be alright.

Life may be messy, but one should never throw it away.

#2 Childish Love (100 Word Short Story)


When Allie was a little girl, she told her mother that one day she wanted to marry Alex. Her mother said it was not possible, since they were brother and sister. Growing up, Allie’s feelings never faded away, although she tried to repress them. Alex began to date, but Allie kept hoping that maybe one day he would see her differently. Time passed and she waited. The day of Alex’s wedding, Allie wore a bridesmaid dress. As he kissed his new wife, tears streamed down Allie’s face, realizing that her love for her brother was to be replaced by heartache.

#1 The Serial Dater (100 Word Short Story)


Jesse put the last of Amanda’s things in a box and set it outside of his apartment door for her to pick up. He thought of all of his ex girlfriends and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t commit to any of them.  Well, there was one girl, but he had messed it up. He was young and afraid of commitment then, but not now, he thought. He wanted to call her, just to hear her voice again, but his phone blinked with a voicemail. “Hey Jesse, it’s Elise’s mother. I wanted to let you know, that Elise has passed away…”

Spriiiiiiiiiiiiing

Spring quarter begins! My poetry workshop begins tomorrow. Hopefully this spring quarter blesses me with creativity. Be prepared for more poems to come! I shall set aside fiction for these eleven weeks. However, once summer begins I'll start working on my fiction manuscripts for my Grad applications!

Suggested reading: A Song Of Ice and Fire series by George R. R. Martin
I think this series will fill the gaping hole in my chest after Harry Potter ended for me.

Journals

This week has been crazy filled with ups and downs, and the best and worst moments of my life.

Funny enough, last weekend I went through all my old journals that documented my college years. I can't believe how much I've grown and learned and I can't believe I let myself get that far. That dark time of my life I can't quite remember because I choose not to. Reading all of the entries I remembered... and I must say I forgive, but I will never again forget. Never will I allow others to harm me or my mental state. I will not allow people to enter my life who do not genuinely care, because my life only has space for the people who matter, the people I love. And no one will take advantage of my love ever again.

So here's to my ongoing life of ups and downs, and the best and worst moments of my life, that will be shared with the amazing people in my life.

Edit your life. Cut the bad, and keep all the things that are good :]

-Miss M

The Beauty's Perspective

Prologue

          I held the picture tightly in my hands, contemplating whether or not to tear it up or burn it. I couldn't take in the fact that the past seemed so perfect in my eyes. I knew better now. This temporary happiness was a lie.

          My mother sits in the center behind her birthday cake lit with fifty candles. My sister Michelle is on her left side. Her boyfriend of five years at the time, Ethan, stands behind her with his hand affectionately placed on her shoulder. She places her left hand on his, her engagement ring sparkling in the still photograph.  I'm on my mother's right side. Taylor, my first love of four years wraps his arms around me. We all smile and we all seem happy.

          I carefully tear the photograph in half, taking both Ethan and Taylor out of the picture and leaving my mom, Michelle, and I intact.
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