Stuck in a Snow Storm

So funny thing yesterday. I spent my evening writing and got hungry in the middle of it. I ordered room service and decided on cheese and characters, thinking that it would be just a small plate. But jeez was I wrong! They gave me a whole platter that seemed to suit a party of six!

I felt a bit terrible for wasting the majority, but holey crow, why are these portions so huge?

Anyway, I woke up this morning, opened my curtains and everything was draped in white! And I'm talking inches thick. The storm everyone has been talking about finally hit the greater Boston area. The schools were canceled, and so is my conference for the day. I'm officially experiencing my first snow day as I watch the white little flecks completely pour down from the top floor of my hotel window. It's strangely beautiful, yet scary at the same time. Earlier after breakfast, I headed outside thinking maybe I could take a walk in it. Within seconds I was coated in little flakes, and my non-snow shoes sunk quickly into the snow. Bad idea, so I quickly went back inside and grabbed some hot tea! The storm is more enjoyable by simply watching it from a warm room instead of participating  in it I realized.

At least I know I have a lot of time to write and read today. Though, in the back of my mind I'm slightly worried that when the next storm hits on Sunday, I may be stranded at the JFK airport.

Holding Out For A Hero

Lately I've been so  o b s e s s e d with Ella Mae Bowen's "Holding Out For A Hero."

I've had it on repeat while writing just because her voice is kind of what I imagined my protagonist to sound like: sincere, open, and vulnerable. Not to mention I think my character is holding out for a hero herself, though she doesn't want to admit to it. 

This song also conjures up a scene in my head that I've been looking forward to writing. And I just love how music can do that to you. How the sounds and lyrics can paint pictures and a story just like how words on a page can. It's absolutely magical what words and sound can do.

Let it snow!

Just about two months ago I saw snow, now on the east coast I get to see it again! As I write this, I'm sitting in a booth at the hotel restaurant beside the window watching it fall down with dinner and pinot noir.

Here are some photos I took earlier today:

After my first official day of my business trip, I realized it wasn't how I expected it to be. For one, I'm the only one from the west coast; second, I'm the only one staying at the hotel; and third, I'm the youngest person at the conference. 

It's kind of a bummer because it all just feels like I'm at a rehab facility. I can't really go anywhere since I'm in the middle of suburbia. So I'll be spending five days in the same place. I'm in class all day listening to lectures. Then of course, there's the three meals a day, the feeling of complete loneliness as I share my breakfast and dinner meals completely alone, and then just staying in my room for the rest of the day.

I'm going slightly crazy by myself that I can't imagine what it feels like for other people who travel often for work with even longer durations. It kind of makes me glad that I don't travel for work. Perhaps it would be different if I were in a big city instead of just another suburban town, but who knows. Not much time for play when most of the day is work!

Superbowl party of one

I landed in Boston, and I hardly got to see it. But what did I expect right? I am on a business trip. Isn't it strange that traveling makes you fatigued even though you're really not doing anything but sitting on your bum? Well that's how I felt when I got to my hotel. I went straight to the restaurant below and ordered a bit too much. Of course my eyes were bigger than my stomach so everything I ordered I left unfinished. 

Pinot noir, oysters, seafood risotto, and decaf coffee to go with my dessert (toasted brioche topped with fresh strawberries, vanilla bean gelato, and dark chocolate infused balsamic reduction). Yummm!

All of which I enjoyed while watching the second quarter and the halftime show of the super bowl.

Afterwards I went back to my room to finish watching the game, and lo and behold, the Seahawks won! What a lame week to be away from home when so much is happening!

Go SEAHAWKS!

Anyway, well done Seattle. I’ll always remember my first year in Seattle as the year-they-won-the-super-bowl-which-I-was-out-of-town-for.

Writing Update and Business Trips

It's been awhile since I've done a writing update! So here it goes... I'm about half way done with my second draft of my manuscript. The story has changed so much since the first draft which makes me look forward to other future drafts as I think it'll keep getting better and better. The story is definitely workable, I just need to decide how to present everything with the right scenes. That's what I've been struggling with as of late. I want memorable scenes, not just scenes that are functional. I want them to stand out vividly to the reader.

On another note, I'll be spending all day tomorrow up in the sky for my first ever business trip. It's strange how much life has changed after college. It's hardly been a year, but already I feel like it's a whole new life and college was eons ago. I'll be flying from Seattle to Boston, spending a week in Norwood for some work training then going to New York City on Friday to see my sister. Beside the long plane ride, I'm stoked to see two cities I've never been to!

Hope all is well, and though I'm not really a football fan, go Seahawks!

The past is just a story.

Those who know me, know that I am a very nostalgic person. I could sit for hours just delving into my past memories or read old journals and still be captivated by what happened to the young girl I used to be. But sometimes there are things I don't ever want to remember, things I want to sweep under the rug and pretend they never existed. But the thing is, they did, and I shouldn't hide from it because the past is just a story, it doesn't define me. Though it may shape the present, it has no control over me.

Truth time?

I am overly self-conscious and very insecure about myself.

In my college years it took a toll on me, mentally and physically, to the point of obsession and self-harm. It absorbed me inside and out, and dictated how I lived my life. It was torture, yet it gave me some sort of sick control. I kept it in like a secret, or rather a morbid promise to myself.

I'm not sure what fueled it. Perhaps it was rejection, the fear of being disliked, or maybe self isolation. Or a combination of everything. Every time a pair of eyes fell on me, I felt like they were judging, analyzing, and critisizing. It didn't matter if I was kind, intelligent, or passionate. The superficial eyes wouldn't see those things. They could only see the image painted and etched into my skin.

I'll admit it. I fell prey to the media's standards of beauty instead of recognizing my own inner beauty. It was only until the promise had been too much and was unsustainable that I gave up. But the failure only propelled me in a different direction of self punishment.

And this whole time, I never thought I had a problem. It seemed like nothing compared to other cases that were more dire and severe, but I was wrong. I thought that it would run its course and I could simply sweep it under the rug as life went on, but now I know I can't.

So when life started to get better, the more I buried the problem. I edited my life, cutting myself off from negativity, breaking up with the boyfriend who wanted to 'fix me',  threw away others expectations and pursued what made me happy, and peeled off the person I was trying to be and stepped into myself.

That year, the only thing I wanted more in the world was to love myself.

At the end of my junior year in college, my sister took me to Paris. I've idolized Paris since I was a child. To me the city was a fairytale come true, and the Eiffel Tower my prince charming. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe love is everything. Love for family. Love for friends. Love for others. Love for the things you do. It makes the world go round. So when I saw the Eiffel Tower, this icon of love, for the first time, I realized that I did love myself. It was just so hard to get there because I was listening to everyone else and their opinions instead of listening to myself.

Flash forward to now. Life has been great to me. But a few nights ago Michael said something so normal, so harmless, yet the choice of words triggered the problem that I buried long ago. Like a tidal wave it crashed into me. All of a sudden I burst into tears and all of the horrible emotions I once felt bombarded me as I was suddenly brought back to the young girl in college hiding the morbid promise. It was a side of me I never wanted Michael to see.

But he did. He was there for me. And he still loves me nonetheless, just as I am. Nothing more and nothing less. And I too love myself just as I am.

To this day, I am still self-conscious and insecure, but I will never let it dictate how I live my life anymore. I had buried this for a long while, but I know I can't just sweep this under the rug anymore if it can still effect me now.

I wrote this more for my benefit than for your reading pleasure, because it's time I finally own up to it and realize that the past is just a story. It may shape my future, but it certainly doesn't define my present.

On a final note, I would also like to reshare a poem I wrote in my last quarter of college, called Vanity's Downfall.

Grey Days

What a weekend! After having a few too many drinks on Saturday night, Michael and I were completely wiped out on Sunday, only leaving the house to get brunch and to pick up some stuff to make dinner, which lucky for us was only an elevator ride below our apartment! Did I mention I was only twenty-two? In my college days, I could drink, get up and workout with hardly any sleep, go to class, work, and then have another night out full of drinks! Now my night life consists of either two glasses of wine or two cocktails and then I am done! Michael makes me old :P Just kidding.

Yesterday I was a bit down in the dumps. I don't know why. It's just one of those days where you feel grey. I've been working on an account at work which contains so much data that I think maybe I was burnt out? Or perhaps it was the big slab of concrete in the middle of the freeway that I had no choice but to run over, which completely freaked me out. Or maybe it's because it's been so grey out...

Well some good news is nothing is seriously wrong with Michael. After going to the ER in December then having a colonoscopy this January, the major stuff (cancer, collidis, chrone's disease) are completely ruled out!