The Best Summer Ever 2 0 1 2!

I'm having a really difficult time studying for my last final. I haven't even started and I don't want to. I'm itching for summer especially with a taste of it yesterday night. I'm hoping if I just write it all out, I can get these distracting thoughts out of my head and focus on the upcoming exam.

I guess I should first explain why this summer is so important to me, but to get there I should explain last summer. Last year I was going through a really tough time and I didn't really know what to do to make things better or make myself better. When the quarter ended, I put on a smile and acted like everything was okay when I knew that there was something under the surface, waiting to erupt. I'm sad to say I tried to avoid it all by turning to partying and drinking for that temporary release from reality; or rather, I abused it.

So when the school year came to an end at a graduation party, a few friends and I went downtown. I wanted to forget everything and I knew a little alcohol could do just that. But a little turned out to be a lot,  making me completely reckless. But it seemed like alcohol and partying just couldn't do it for me any more. I completely blacked out and woke up in a friend's bed where the graduation party was still going.

I was ashamed at how I allowed myself to go this far. This night was different from the rest of the stupid parties where I made a fool out of myself. This time I was a mess inside and out, and this time everyone could see it. I couldn't smile it off anymore and I was too tired too. I cried all night and my friends tried to console me, but they didn't really know why I was crying. I gave them excuses, not wanting to admit the truth and let them believe what they wanted.

So once summer arrived, I knew I had to deal with my issues at hand. I isolated myself from my friends and family, trying to focus on myself and gave up drinking and partying. But with the twelve weeks of summer school I just kept putting off what was really bothering me until I created an almost limbo reality for myself. Summer flew by as I declined offers to hang out with friends. Soon enough, some friends were getting engaged and married. Others were leaving. And I found myself in a sad looking office, but finally seeking help.

Other events happened then, but this is all I really think of when I look back at my 2011 summer.

I refuse to let this summer go and slip by, because this is the summer of change. I've learned from my past mistakes and know better now than to make the same ones.

So when next year comes around and I look back at my 2012 summer, I hope to remember it as the best summer ever.

Make the world better, by making yourself better.

In life your dealt a hand of cards, but it's how you play that hand that matters. And how you play that hand depends on you.

There's this phrase that's been thrown around a lot lately. Maybe you've heard of it? "Yolo", short for you only live once. It's got me thinking that if I only live once then I should live for me. That's easier said than done with so many obligations and a society that has expectations I can only try to meet, that soon enough the world starts to weigh me down. The pressure becomes so immense that at times I have a hard time breathing. How can I live the life I want when I am so restricted by finances, morals, and societal rules? Who said the path in life was to go to school, work, get a higher education, to work even more, find a partner, get married, and reproduce? And why do we all continually label each other to the point that we become defined by others?

I find myself passing time laying in my bed and staring out the window about my life and asking how I got up to this moment. I've become such a different person then the girl I used to know. I've cried and smiled throughout the years and grew up along the way. Now entering adulthood, this question burns in my mind: is this who I want to be?

Here is my hand of cards, it's my move. What am I going to do? One life. One game. How do you win? How do you lose?

Well, I want to win. I want happiness.

Yet, happiness comes from within. So I know I need to work on myself, to better myself; because that is the only thing in this grand universe that I have control over. And come to think of it, if everyone bettered themselves and became a little bit happier, the world wouldn't be such a bad place to live in.

But what do I mean by work? I mean working my own mentality (how I think and perceive the world), spirituality (health and fitness), and style (how I choose to live my life). These will be the seeds to happiness that enable me to grow.

If I'm happy, those around me will be too. It'll be infectious in a good way.

This is what YOLO means to me.

As for my hand of cards? Love. Live. Laugh. I think that's a winning hand ;]

Cyclic Addictions

It's strange to see how fast the years go. Things seem to have changed so much, and at the same time not at all. Like the seasons, we see the familiar temperatures that come and go year after year. The hot, the cold, the warmth, and the cool. The storms, the blazing heat, the whispering winds, and the crying rain.

On that note, there's this memory game I like to play in my head. On a random day I'll sit and think to myself, "What did I do at this time exactly one year ago? Two years ago?" And so on. Sometimes journals jog my memory when I fail to remember, but I notice that I'm always changing, but the same at heart. A romantic, dreamer, and always too trusting. However, my perceptions of the world around me is constantly changing and I've begun to question who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to be chained by other people's perceptions of me nor do I want to be a product of society's conditioning. I don't want to be used or taken for granted, and I will not live in order to please others. It's hard to stick up for yourself, and it's difficult to break old habits.

These habits, or addictions that haunt me, come like the seasons it seems.

But it's time to break free from it all and let it all go. We won't be able to know the day our light goes out, but I rather go with a lighter load. I will not be weighed down, even during eternal sleep.

Defilement

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You chip away at me,

hoping to sculpt a masterpiece,

you scrape away my dreams

filling my cracks and seams,

with your artistic vision.

You mold me until it hurts.

Pushing and pulling,

bending and breaking,

twisting and tearing,

Rubbing raw my skin

with your ruthless words

Til I am polished to your liking.

Alcohol-

Removes-

my shellac skirt.

Your white paint-

Forced-

on a collectible piece.

After.

The fragments of your

scrap pile.

The Lillies

You plucked each petal,

and bruised each stem.

You wanted each and every one of them.

The sepals were torn off,

and thrown in disarray.

Their blooms misshaped,

and scattered away.

Five pink lilies, sisters of spring.

The flowers left wilted,

No joy could they bring.

Oh, the horror on everyone’s face!

Found near their mother, the shattered vase.

Dripping onto their carpet,

their perfume left a stain.

Life without the Lillies—

Which culprit to blame?

Hush

My blood cascades beneath

my skin—hush, as the candles flicker.

Oh, it draws you in.

Shadows on our bare—

But your blood replies, shallow breath,

touching—

my velvety, skin—it whispers, hush.

The flame licks the cherry blossom lips.

Its taste and fragrance—a head rush.

Hush.

Pleasure with your eyes, painting

slow, long, and deep—

The wave, upon wave,

my cries.

You tell me teasingly,

hush.

Consuming our shared blood

a fire breathes.

Burning the roots of the family tree.

Imagination

The six string guitar swims in a sea

between the earth and sky. Horizon beams

projected out of my head.

A layer upon another. The paint still,

in the light’s movement.

The abstract concrete takes over

the uncontrolled. Falling in an abyss

of tantalizing emblems, that marks

infinitesimal particles

surrounding, swelling.

Drowning in uncertainty.