A Sunday Morning.

Listening to "Too Close" by Alex Clare and drinking coffee at Starbuck's with my computer in front of me prompts me to update my blog instead of starting on my paper.

Yesterday, I finished writing in my sixteenth journal. Comparing this weekend to last weekend, I'm glad my mood is better. I think I was just having a moment of high stress. I just hate the fact that their are so many things in life that are out of our control that it makes me wonder if I have any free will at all. If it is my life, shouldn't I be the one controlling it and deciding what path I take? Yes, in life we do get some choices, but we can't necessarily choose the outcome. We are so restricted by things like money, the past, and society that it holds us back from actually living. Obviously, you can tell I have control issues (something I'm constantly working on). But sometimes when I'm going through the motions of the day, I catch myself and think, "Is this really something I want to be doing?". We always say live in the moment, but are we actually doing that? Each moment goes by and we dismiss it or we aren't aware of it; thus, if we aren't aware of it, are we really living? Maybe this is too abstract, but it's embedded into the back of my mind. Maybe, it's the "YOLO" craze lately that's infected my subconscious. I don't know. I just think too much.

And I should probably put my thinking to use for my paper (although it's certainly something I don't want to do).

Wishing you all a good Sunday!
-Miss M




Reason #9: Jars

This one may seem a bit weird, but I love jars. After using them for one day, they have made my life considerably easier; and it's those little things in life that we don't necessarily notice, but deserves some thanks (even if it is an inanimate object). Move over tupperware, jars have come to steal your thunder!

For breakfast I made overnight oats with strawberries and placed them in fridge along with a jar of coffee. When I woke up, I just quickly stuffed them in my backpack and went to class. Awesome for on the go. Now you're probably thinking, "Well, you can do that with tupperware." Yes, although that is true, I like the fact that I can make individual servings of liquids (such as coffee, tea, etc.) and grab them whenever I want them. Better yet, I can make them cold, and beat the heat. These 8oz on the go servings are perfect when I want them. Plus, drinking liquids from tupperware is silly, and my thermos is pretty clunky carrying it all day with Summer coming upon us; cold drinks are what I need.

And their are even more possibilities on the horizon, like yogurt parfaits, fruit salads, green smoothies, sweet/herbal teas, and etc!

You have to admit, eating/drinking out of a cute jar is just way better than tupperware :]

Trying to breathe.

It happened last night when I tried to fall asleep. The wave of stress fell upon me and sat on my chest, making it so hard to breathe. I tried tossing and turning, only to find that their is no escape, no matter which direction I turn.

Itching to tear this skin as it crushes me under the weight of all this pressure. Soon I will be a miniscule particle in the world that no one will ever miss.

What will my life amount to? How should it be measured? By these endless to-do lists? The breaths I take despite my emotional scars that deface me? By my incomplete thoughts, stories, and poems?

Ashamed by my behavior, yet unable to control it. A damaged complex.

I walk into a cafe, a place I have never been. French roast coffee for comfort as I sit with myself and tell her, "Breathe."

Reason #8: Teachers

It was my Honors English Teacher of my Junior year of high school, Ms. Davis, who said that I should major in English, and it was her class that made me fall in love with the subject.

My first fiction workshop I took at Davis was with Julia Jackson. This is her last quarter at Davis, soon she'll be receiving her MA in Creative Writing. She's such a wonderful person. I kinda wanna be like her in a few years.

This quarter, my poetry fiction professor is Greg Glazner. Yesterday, some classmates and I went to his reading for his new book he also performed some songs he wrote. I was seriously impressed.

I never wanted to be a teacher, but seeing how some teachers have made an impact on me, makes me think that I shouldn't rule it out completely.

A Drop in the Ocean-Ron Pope (Lyrics)

[Sometimes listening to a familiar song can bring back a waterfall of memories. The power of music strikes your heart like a chord. Here's a song that did that to me today. -Miss M]

A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.

I don't wanna waste the weekend,
If you don't love me, pretend
A few more hours, then it's time to go.
And as my train rolls down the East coast,
I wonder how you keep warm.
It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.

Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep.
Don't see what you don't need, from me.

Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.

Misplaced trust and old friends,
Never counting the regrets,
By the grace of God, I do not rest at all.
and New England as the leaves change;
The last excuse that I'll claim,
I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl.

Still I can't let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep,
Don't see what you don't need, from me.

Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my

Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn't seem far away.
Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn't seem far away.

nooo
nooo

A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.
You are my heaven

Reason #7: Mothers

One think to always be thankful for are Mothers. I cannot even put into words everything my mom is to me. My hero and my savior. If only she knew just how much I loved her. I just hate the fact our relationship isn't as close as I would like it to be.

The blame lies upon me.
I'm unable to communicate through our language and I'm not the daughter everyone hoped me to be.

I saw her for about five minutes today.

I decided not to go to the family dinner tonight. It may seem selfish not to go, but I think my presence there would just bring everything and everyone down. I don't want to ruin the holiday for her nor the rest of my family. Tonight, everything would be better if I did not exist, so I took myself out of the equation.

I hope my phone call and my unconditional love for her will suffice. Because that's all I have left of me.
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